Witnessing with everyday life

A funny thing has happened to me, over and over again, in the most unlikely of circumstances.

When my marriage first ended, I was embarrassed.  Here I was … a Christian woman married to a man who believed the ministry was the calling for his future and I couldn’t keep my marriage together.  Everyday I would see other couples who seemed to have more going against them than for them, however I was the one facing divorce.  (Jealousy is never an attractive outfit to put on, but it is just one of the many emotions I felt – and asked God’s forgiveness for – through this process.)

Once I got over the shock of my marriage ending, I started talking to people … family, friends, pastors, a counselor, coworkers – anyone who was willing to hear what I had to say (this was the first time I went to a counselor, however I highly recommend seeking professional advice when people are faced with and drowning in the garbage life throws at us!).  I talked to people because I needed to sort through my thoughts and what had happened in an attempt to gain some perspective on what broke.  These talks, which I embarked on as a way to work through the healing process in myself, also served a greater purpose for our God and His kingdom.

“Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.”  Matthew 5:16 (NASB)

Just like every marriage has its own formula to make it work, I learned that every divorce has its own formula of what caused the failure.  At first, I felt like I was setting a bad example for Christ and the different way we, as Christians, are supposed to live our lives since I was heading down the divorce path.  I was always quick to point out to others that I took my vows very seriously as I didn’t want it to be assumed I was taking this decision to divorce lightly.  But as I continued to have conversations and more things came out in the open, something amazing happened as God stepped in.  Rather than pointing out my failure at walking the Christian walk and keeping my vow “until death,” people pointed out the Christian walk I had walked by loving and standing by my husband for all those years when he wasn’t loving me back.  I stood by him until such time that I realized he was demoralizing me and trying to take away my value as a human being.

“I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.”  2 Timothy 4:7 (NASB)

This is how I felt when I finally divorced my husband.  Many have said how proud they are of me, which was nearly impossible for me to believe and understand at first.  Where I saw worldly failure, others saw God’s servant trying to live for Him.  That’s one of the great things that has come out of this thanks to our Awesome God.  While I was afraid of what my divorce would do to my witnessing to the small group of people I interact with, God used this for His glory to highlight how off course life can go when He is not the center of everything.  I was living my life the best I knew how, and God found a way to make me a witness for Him to others.  God often chooses the most unlikely of people and circumstances to do His work in this world, and I am thankful that God saw my experience as a way to speak to others.  I realize now more than ever just how many people are watching us and see what happens in our lives, and how important it is to ensure we are living everyday as God would have us live!  We never know who we might be witnessing to everyday by just living our lives!

Here am I, Lord

After all the years I’ve been a Christian, I don’t know why I am still surprised by how God works, but He finds new and exciting ways to get my attention everyday.

“I was/am your best chance at doing something significant with your life for God.”

Those were some of the last words I heard from my ex-husband.  Even though I knew it was untrue the moment he said it, the statement has stayed with me.  This is where God stepped in!

As I mentioned previously, I have spent a great deal analyzing (both by myself as well as with other individuals) the course my marriage took, and have learned a great deal from this process.  Love was not freely given to me in my marriage, and at times the lack of love became so extreme that it made me question my value as a person and wife.  I am ashamed that I put up with this treatment for as long as I did, however at the same time I am thankful that this was as bad as it got before the marriage ended, and that I got out when I did.  Some people are not so fortunate.  While the scars he left are very real, they are nothing compared to the scars other people deal with on a daily basis.  It is because of this realization that I felt called to help others in situations similar to my own.  Before my divorce was even finalized, God was at work connecting me to people who I can serve because of these experiences.  While I have only been involved with this group for a short time, I know that I have already witnessed to people, making a positive change in their lives through encouraging words and pointing them to the perfect love of our Lord.  This is one of those times when God is using lemons to make lemonade!  (Due to the sensitive nature of the people and situations I am working with, I  feel at this time it is best to not name the group here.)

God didn’t stop there!

I attended church with my ex-husband for the majority of our marriage, thus when that ended I was in need of a church of my own.  God again quickly answered this need, and by highlighting and connecting a variety of unrelated facets of a particular congregation as only God could do, He brought me to my new church home.  Here, not only have I found acceptance for being the sinner I am, but I have also received an open invitation to get involved as little or as much as I desire.  It did not take long for God to put me to work once I raised my hand to Him!  I am very Type-A, and thus love having order to things.  This past weekend was the church’s annual drive to stock the food pantry.  When I walked into the church to drop off some groceries, what I saw was almost more than I could bear: row upon row of bags of groceries and toiletry items waiting to be separated, sorted and put away.  As much as I wanted to simply drop my bags and carry on with my day, God knows me (of course He does – He created me!) and knew I wouldn’t be able to just leave the pantry area looking like that!  I harnessed my Type-A-ness and spent several hours helping go through the thousands of dollars worth of food and supplies donated until there were no bags left unpacked and only those items that were overflow and had to be handled by the actual pantry workers remained.

I don’t tell you these stories to try and prove anything about myself, but rather to prove just how serious God is about using our time and talents.  Serving God and others isn’t limited to being in the choir or taking communion to homebound seniors… it is not restricted by the four walls of the church building.  When we open our minds to what God has in store for us, He will find new and exciting ways to use us for His glory!

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?’  And I said, ‘Here am I.  Send me!'”  Isaiah 6:8 (NIV)

Love one another

This is a post I have put off time and again.  I have a bunch of posts drafted either on paper or in my head, however so many of them center around what God is doing in my life post-divorce that I feel like some background is needed so that those future posts will make sense.

I married an amazing man.  He was simply wonderful.  He had a personal relationship with God and sought God’s will for his life, which was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.  All my life I knew I wanted to marry a Christian so that I would be equally yoked, and I believed I had found that with him.  I married the person I wanted to walk with through the rest of my life, meeting all of life’s challenges and accomplishments head on together. 

But things aren’t always as they seem.

I divorced an amazing man, however this man was not amazing in the wonderful sense of the word, but rather in the realm of bewilderment.  I look back at the road we traveled and things that transpired in the time between our wedding day and our divorce day, and I can’t help but shake my head wondering how it all happened.  But then I realize that we are not meant to understand everything that occurs in this world, as the world is full of sin and corruption.  Without closely guarded hearts and minds, this sin of the world can creep into our Christ-filled lives and begin to tear us apart from the inside out, often without us even noticing until it is too late.

I have heard one of the problems some people have with Christianity is that it is just too simple… people think there must be more to guaranteeing eternal life than simply accepting Jesus as Lord and Savior.  This spirit of simplicity doesn’t stop there, but rather is carried on through other commands from God:

“Jesus answered: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind.  This is the first and most important commandment.  The second most important commandment is like this one.  And it is, “Love others as much as you love yourself.”  Matthew 22: 37-39 (CEV)

Now I don’t know about you, but I love myself a whole lot (I think God did pretty well when he created me!), so I am commanded by God to love others a whole lot too!  We are not commanded to love only those who are lovable, when it’s convenient and doesn’t cost us anything.  We are to love everyone at all times!  In case there was some confusion as to how to put this love into practice in marriage relationships, God gave us further guidance through Paul:

“Wives should always put their husbands first, as the church puts Christ first.  A husband should love his wife as much as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”  Ephesians 5: 24-25 (CEV)

God gives BOTH husbands and wives commands about how to love their spouse.  It is the kind of unconditional, unselfish love that God first showed us through innocently dying on the cross so that we might be saved.  Now we are all human and all fall short of the glory of God, thus we know this will not happen 100% of the time.  The problems arose (at least for me) when this love just wasn’t present at all. 

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (NIV)

[While I use the CEV version throughout a number of my posts, I had to use the NIV here as this is just one of those classic verses!]

It took me quite awhile to be able to read Paul’s description of love without crying.  Actually, it took me awhile to be able to read it at all!  When my marriage ended, I felt like a failure, like I let God down because I was not able to keep the vows I took before Him years ago.  I felt unworthy to come before God.  I felt unlovable.  But God pointed me back to these verses, and as painful as it was, I read them… over and over and over again.  I cried for my lost marriage, however I soon also cried because that marriage did not exemplify Paul’s description of love.  I remember telling my (then) husband one time that I felt unloved.  The response I received was quite unloving, to say the least.  During the marriage I lost my hope for this kind of love, and God was now using these verses to show me just how special and amazing love should be and how much I (and all of us!) deserve. 

Once I realized there had been this broken piece to my marriage, I started to examine the relationship as a whole from a more independent perspective.  It is so hard to see the truth when we are in the midst of it all, however being out on my own allowed me to critically analyze things that were said and done during the marriage.  Through this analysis (which included the aid of a Christian counselor, my pastors and close friends/family), I realized just how un-Christ-like my ex-husband had treated me.  I don’t expect to be put up on a pedestal, but I also didn’t deserve to be lied to and manipulated in order for him to get what he wanted without giving in return.  Upon realizing this, I continued to come before God every day with my wants – asking Him to be at work in our individual lives, to fix our marriage, to heal our wounds and to bring us back together – but I also asked Him to show me His will in all this, even if the outcome was different than I thought I wanted.  After much prayer and reflection, God continued to show me the truth of the situation and what I needed to do. 

I will never deny that God hates divorce – His word makes it very clear.  God hates it when we act contrary to His perfect will in any way, shape or form.  However I also believe that God will sometimes do what He hates in order to accomplish what He loves (thank you to artist Laura Story for verbalizing that thought for me!).  As I was reviewing my old facebook status updates earlier, I noticed something striking.  The atmosphere of my posts after my ex-husband left the picture are much more God-centered and confident in Him than they were proabably for the length of our entire marriage.  While God hates divorce, this tragic event in my life has brought me back to Him in an amazing and powerful way.  My trust is in Him.  My hope is in Him.  My future is in Him.

So why did I write all this (especially since I’m not even sure I’ll ever publish this post!)?  Simply put, I do not want the fact that I am divorced to tarnish my work for the Lord in others’ eyes.  Because I believe I can stand before Him and say I did everything I could to try and save my marriage, and because divorce is a sin just like any other sin, I am once again blameless before our Lord because of the blood of Jesus.  I hope that you’ll stick with me to enjoy this ride we are now on.